by Sarah Eaton

For a long time, people commented on Janice-Katie’s youthful appearance by using diminutive forms of her name, like Janny-Kate, which sounded to her like food, and by tying her shoelaces when they came undone. “A woman who can keep her own house does not need to have her hair braided into pigtails while waiting for the bus,” she said to Mrs. Beck, her long-term companion.
Mrs. Beck stirred in her mid-day sleep, and murmured something about adolescence. She often was the perpetrator of such diminishing actions, zipping up Janice-Katie’s coat all the way to the chin, prohibiting running in the house, blowing on her food. Janice-Katie was not a child. She decided to take action in a decisive way, although she usually disapproved of self-improvement plans. She would eliminate her acne by avoiding dairy and meats, thus allowing her hormones to be her own, and dissociating her appearance with youth. She ate a pear without brie as a mid-afternoon snack. She used a knife to cut it and ignored Mrs. Beck’s barking protestations.
Her stomach ailments abated by whole grain and legumes, her skin radiant from not eating the fear of tortured animals, Janice-Katie attracted unwelcome male attention.
“Men are visual creatures,” Mrs. Beck said. “Now, as well as being a pushover, you’re a traditionally smoking-hot older lady. You would make a good third wife.”
Mrs. Beck accompanied Janice-Katie on her daily around-town perambulations to protect her from ogling men. Janice-Katie kept a furious pace, swishing her arms at her sides, breathing heavily through her mouth.
“I wish I could afford to get my feet scraped,” Mrs. Beck said. Her breath puffed erratically.
Janice-Katie sped up. She could see a man wearing a lab coat in a field in the distance. He held a cane and shouted with much bluster.
“I’m Dr. Scoot,” the man said. “Please don’t come any closer.”
Janice-Katie acted like she hadn’t heard the man.
“Please stop,” Dr. Scoot cried out. “What is your name? What is your business?”
“I’m Janice-Aggressive,” Janice-Katie said.
Mrs. Beck brought up the rear and exclaimed, “For hell’s sake! These are abominations!”
